Some of you may have seen on Instagram that I briefly mentioned a traumatic first birth. I would like to share the full story with all of you, and I think that a blog would be a great space to share the ins and outs as it's pretty limited on Instagram.
7 years ago, I was pregnant with my first baby. I had a great pregnancy and enjoyed my body changes, the kicks, the energy I had, and the thick, luscious hair! I didn’t really suffer much from morning sickness, just slightly, and the only other complaint was sciatica, but that soon passed as time went on. I practiced Hypnobirthing techniques every night before I went to sleep, so I was feeling pretty relaxed and confident. Later on, I did the perineal massage (stretching of the perineal muscle to help prepare for the birth of the baby).
It all started really with the fundal (bump) measurement, late in the pregnancy around 40 weeks the measurement seemed to go down considerably. This could have been due to the baby's positioning or just the midwife who was measuring at the time. Anyway, I was sent for a growth scan which I agreed to, and they became concerned that my baby was “small,” weighing under 5lbs 5oz. The scan actually came in lower on the birth chart than the fundal measurement. This was VERY stressful. Induction is something I didn’t want as I knew it could be much more painful, and I didn’t want to force my baby out. On the other hand, I felt pressured, like I was putting him at risk. I didn’t feel like there was anything wrong; he was making all his usual movements, and I had some mild period cramps that week. With a heavy heart, I agreed to a stretch and sweep, which was unsuccessful, then booked in for the induction on the weekend. I was given the line of “if you don’t have one then, we might not be able to get you in.”
Induction day came around and I was a bit of an emotional mess really, I really didn’t want one. I had the pessary at 3 pm, to which one midwife commented, “unless it runs through you like a bull, which is unlikely,” I would be put on the syntocinon drip the next day. Lucky for me, it did start to get things going. In the early hours around 3 am, I woke up to cramping sensations. Around 5 am, I ran a bath. After the bath, I mainly bounced on my birth ball and listened to my Hypnobirthing MP3s. I texted my partner asking him to come back to the hospital as soon as visiting hours started at 8 am. My partner arrived around 8 am; things had been getting quite uncomfortable for a few hours. I was still on the ward at this point. At 9:21 am, he asked a midwife to come and see me as things were cranking up. I then agreed to a VE (vaginal examination) and found out I was 7 cm dilated. Shortly after, my waters broke, and I was transferred to the delivery suite.
I think this is when things took a turn really. I was taken down to the delivery suite in a wheelchair, which wasn’t comfortable with my baby moving down the birth canal. Prior to being moved, there were some really strong sensations going on, so strange, almost like when you are ill and you have that feeling of being sick and your body forcing it up and out. Well, I had these feelings downwards! My hospital notes do mention “involuntary pushing.” When I arrived at the delivery suite, I tried to lay sideways on the bed. I did not want to be on my back. I was trying to lay on my side, and the midwife was trying to get me on my back, so there was a bit of a struggle here. I was obviously becoming stressed, and my baby’s heart rate wasn’t the best either. The “involuntary pushing” stopped, adrenaline must have taken over now. I didn’t feel safe like I did a few hours ago. Bright lights, lots of medical staff around. They attached a “little clip” to my baby’s head to monitor him. At this point (9.55 am), I was on my back with my legs in the stirrups. My idea of hell, being told to push. I had a little gas and air but not much. I wasn’t sure if it was helping or making how I felt worse. In the end, I had an episiotomy, and my son was delivered by forceps at 10.07 am. He cried on arrival and was taken briefly to be checked and the cord cut. Then he was placed on my chest for skin-to-skin at 10.12 am. Oh, and he weighed a healthy 6 lbs 8 oz. (My placenta arrived after the injection at 10.14 am)
I feel like a lot happened very fast, like a whirlwind. It was hard having this baby just plonked on my chest after what I feel was quite an ordeal. I asked my partner to take him while I was stitched up and could get my legs out of those bloody stirrups! I guess after that, it's a bit of a blur really. In my hospital notes at 11:03 am, we were having skin-to-skin contact, and my son had his first breastfeed. I remember getting up and about around lunchtime and feeling like I had been hit by a bus in my lower back/hip area. Was this normal?! The breastfeeding support I received in the hospital was great. There was a time when my son refused a feed or two; the midwife thought this could be a little fluid on his chest/lungs, so I expressed into a syringe for him.
I was discharged and off we went into the next chapter as 2 people, not 1. Unfortunately, I was readmitted a few days later after having a raging temperature and shakes. I still had this lower back pain and couldn’t bear the thought of going back to the hospital in my partner's car, so I went in an ambulance so I could lay down. My partner was going to follow me with my bag, etc. I did ask the staff for some maternity pads and breast pads, but none came. When I was moved later I had access to a breast pump, finally, as my son had not been with me earlier in the day, my breasts were engorged and painful. Turns out I had an infection in my stitches; this was treated with antibiotics and after 24 hours back in the hospital, I went home again.
As time went on, our breastfeeding journey was hard. My son was very unsettled and would scream a lot at the breast. This was made harder by having lower back pain and finding it really painful to sit down. I had some support from the local NCT breastfeeding lady, who was great but said she had never seen anything like this before. I had a good supply of breast milk and my son was putting on weight, but it was just so hard. I struggled on for 4 weeks, but for my mental health's sake, I made another heavy-hearted decision to end our breastfeeding journey. That did make things a little easier, although I did make the mistake of going "cold turkey," so my hormone levels were absolutely all over the place. My son was sick a lot, and we believed he had acid reflux, which was another struggle in itself. As he grew older, around 3 to 4 months, this settled down a lot. What I wish I had done sooner was see a cranial osteopath. He went around 3/4 months old just to check for any birth injuries from the forceps. His head was fine, but the muscles around his neck and shoulders were very tight from all the crying and tensing. After his treatment, my partner said he had never seen him so floppy and relaxed!
Once my son got a little older, the birth started to replay in my mind a lot, as if it was coming to the surface to be processed. I found myself very upset when I heard that a family member had a home birth for her first baby. I kept replaying the events, wondering what could have been different or what I could have done differently. I also isolated myself from my friends and didn’t really make much contact with them. I now realize that I wasn’t in the best place, but time and the right support helped me heal. I had a “birth matters” meeting at the hospital to go over all the events. Luckily, the midwives I saw were very nice. By that time, I was pregnant with baby number 2 and felt that it was best to address all these feelings before going through it again. I had a doula to support me through my second pregnancy, and that's when the real healing began. She listened, let me cry, and validated my feelings. I felt seen and heard. I went on to have a healing home birth, which I will blog about at a later date!
On reflection... I feel like there was so much drama caused over this "small baby" narrative. My estimated baby, under 5lbs 5oz, turned out to be 6lbs 8oz! If a baby is so small, how are they going to cope with the stronger contractions of induction and no gradual build-up of labor? How can measuring a bump even be accurate? Different midwives or baby positions can make things so stressful for mums; no wonder some struggle to go into spontaneous labour. The feeling I had in labour of being sick but downwards could have been the "fetal ejection reflex" (where your body just pushes the baby out). Although it was so forceful, I wonder if the induction drugs make it stronger. Moving from the ward to the delivery suite seemed to disturb this natural "involuntary pushing" process. I was moved from the safety of the ward to somewhere bright with lots of people. The "little clip" isn't just a little clip at all; it's like a small metal corkscrew-looking thing that goes into your baby's scalp. I also learned recently that the use of the CTG monitor isn't evidence-based and they give false readings 99 out of 100 times (Study by Politi et al., 2023). My mind is blown by this! Plus, a baby's heart rate can naturally change as they move down the birth canal, which makes sense seeing as they are being squeezed by the contracting muscles. The lower back pain and feeling like I had been hit by a bus was a damaged tailbone. I struggled with this for 4 months, then it started to ease off. It went undiagnosed mainly because at my 8-week postnatal appointment, it was passed off as normal as it was my "first baby." I now know that is a load of bull. Later, I did have some physio on my tailbone area when I became pregnant again as it became more sensitive, and this was super helpful. There are still many unanswered questions, but I have made peace with my story now, and I am still learning.
My son is fast approaching 7 now! There has been a lot of reflection and processing over the last few years. If I knew what I know now, yes, it would have been a lot different, but maybe then I wouldn’t have been on this path to helping support women to have their babies. Thank you for reading, keep an eye out for my homebirth baby blog post, coming soon! Also, if you feel like reaching out, I would love to hear from you. x
(Pic of my in the early days, unable to sit up properly, uneaten food and a breast pump that I wasnt sure if I should be using or not)
Comments